I mentioned earlier that I have been single for over 2 months now. I am a very sexual person and have had a hard time with the lack of available sex. Even though the sex with my ex wasn’t very good at the end of our relationship, at least it was there, easy, and comfortable. He knew how to get me off, I knew what he liked, and we both orgasmed. I am not a fake-it kind of girl. If I orgasm, you will know it. Trust me. If it’s not obvious, then I didn’t. I’ve had sex with a few other people since breaking up: 3 to be exact. This is not behavior I expect to continue. C was my first lover–we had sex when I was 18 and I wasn’t single and able to do it with anyone else until recently. So when I first had the option to try out the other fish in the sea, I went a little crazy.

I had sex with one guy, B, a few times but slept with him a lot when I was lonely so we made out and cuddled more than anything else, something absolutely needed there for a while. T was next. Sex with him was a lot of fun and intense. We did it several times a week for 6 weeks or so. However, I wasn’t comfortable with the intimacy I felt oral sex had attached to it yet, so I told him I wanted to hold off on it for a while. He wasn’t ok with that so we stopped hanging out. The next guy was a one-night stand with someone I met at a bar–absolutely something I don’t recommend. All of these deserve their own posts, but, for now, suffice it to say that I realized that I would rather have lovers, albeit without commitment for the time being, then one-night stands. I need a certain amount of comfort with at least knowing them a little bit. And K is back for a few weeks. However, he has decided that a.) he is more attracted to guys right now and b.) as one of his best friends, we shouldn’t have sex.

So, folks, this leaves me sexless. That doesn’t work for me. I start getting restless after a week or so with no sex. Therefore, I’ve been doing something I don’t usually think is a good idea: having sex with my ex. Now, I mentioned that C’s and my sex life left me unsatisfied. This is true–relationship sex did leave me unsatisfied. C told me once that he prefers “meat and potato sex”–basically missionary or me-on-top sex that proceeds the exact same way every time in the same place every time at the same time of day every time once a week. This DOES NOT work for me. I like to mix it up. I own most of the stuff in Priscilla’s (the sex shop in my town) and have it all in a big box. C had no interest in opening the box EVER. I like easy sex sometimes. I like missionary and me-on-top a lot. Don’t get me wrong. But it is absolutely unacceptable to do it the same way every single time. That would bore anyone. And I was bored.

So why did I go back to him for sex then? Well, 2 reasons. First, I really need sex. K has been staying at my place with no more than cuddling and making out and I have been going crazy. Second, C has been trying. Really trying. I guess he feels the need to try so I will come back for more. And since he knows what I like, how to make me orgasm, and has been trying really hard to give me what I like, sex with him has been good. It still doesn’t rock my world–I don’t think it ever could because I just don’t think we are particularly sexually compatible. But we have been trying really hard to please the other person so it has been working for me. On Saturday we did it 3 times. I left completely sexually satistfied for the first time in a long long time.

But this leads me to the questions: am I being stupid? Will this lead to more awkwardness and pain for one or both of us later? Will this make me more possessive when he starts having sex with other people? Will it make it harder to move on to someone else? Am I not looking for a new lover because I have easy sex available? After almost 5 years of sexually settling, am I doing the same thing now? And most importantly, will this cause me to doubt leaving the relationship in the first place? I don’t know the answers to these questions. For now it is working for me. I just hope it turns out ok. Meanwhile, I am hoping to meet someone I really like who can be my lover and not expect commitment, which I’m not ready to give. That might just be wishful thinking.