Craving Touch

I knew it was coming. I can deal with being single and I can deal with spending some evenings alone feeling sad while I work through this. But it’s been 3 weeks and 3 days  since I’ve had sex or gotten any affection at all.

I’m a very touchy person. When J and I started dating 9 months ago, he wasn’t very affectionate. But by the time we were done, he would crave coming over just so we could wrap up in each other. I like full body contact, hugs, sex, even just holding hands. I just like the feelings of content and warmth that come with affection. And I completely melt if someone strokes my hair away from my face or rubs my back.

Back when C and I broke up, the hardest part for me was losing the nightly affection. I ended up having a series of short affairs and one night stands just to get the affection; which, of course, did not help at all. Some emotion is required to feel the feelings I crave. I get them when I hug my family or friends and when I cuddle with my cat. But it’s not enough.

I hope SOOO much that it decreases with time because I don’t foresee any affection anytime in the future unless I let J back in my life, which IS NOT going to happen. This is about the longest I’ve gone without any type of affection. Oh, and kissing! I miss kissing too. I love a good long making out session.

I just want heated making out sessions turning into intense sex and then ending with sweaty, naked cuddling and falling asleep. Is that too much to ask?

Cheating Playlist

Here is the cheating playlist I listed to all day every day while I was initially processing  my pain. It’s an eclectic group of songs, but a lot of it is recent country songs. I know there are a lot of obvious ones I didn’t include, but I wanted songs I wasn’t already burnt out on since I literally played this over and over and over.

1. You’re Not Sorry–Taylor Swift (**the one that matched my situation the most)

2. Leave the Pieces–The Wreckers

3. The Sound of Settling–Death Cab for Cutie

4. Wasted–Carrie Underwood

5. Never Gonna Happen–Lily Allen

6. Homewrecker–Gretchen Wilson

7. Don’t Let Me Stop You–Kelly Clarkson

8. Should’ve Said No–Taylor Swift

9. Hot’n'Cold–Katy Perry

10. Foundation–Kate Nash

11. Shattered Glass–Britney Spears (**my favorite!!)

12. How Am I Doin’–Dierks Bentley

13. You Oughta Know–Alanis Morissette

14. Before He Cheats–Carrie Underwood

15. Cheater, Cheater–Joey and Rory

16. Untouched–The Veronicas

17. Independent–Webbie

A Better Day

Today was a better day. I’m not sure if it was because time is passing or because of my conversation with my dad yesterday or because I got flirted with a few times today. Regardless, I saw everything with a lot more clarity today. I realized that my relationship with J (and J himself) is not worth all the thoughts, pain, and reflection. He is still texting me daily begging me to talk to him. And I was actually annoyed when I got the desperate text from him today. Why isn’t he getting the point? I’m done. Period.

I’m not saying that I won’t still have bad days where I get on here and vent my sadness or anger at J. I may still cry at some point. But I realized today that this is his problem. Not mine. Other people still find me desirable, which went a long way to heal the crushed self esteem that comes with getting cheated on. I have wonderful friends, the strength to not let J suck me back in, and enough activities to distract me from ruminating.

Not to sound like I am in a place to offer advice, but there are a few things I’ve done that have helped. I made a cheating play list, which I’ll post. Today, when I felt better, I made a moving on playlist to feel pumped up and empowered (I’ll post that too).

I would also suggest the following website: http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up.  It offers good advice, empowering affirmations, and ways to feel better about yourself. The author did a great job. I have read this almost every day since J cheated.

Exercise. It sucks and is hard to do when you’re sad but it is impossible to still feel really down after you’ve completely exhausted yourself and let your endorphins kick in. Plus, getting out of shape isn’t going to help. You will feel good if you feel hotter after the break up than during the relationship.

Clean your place, rearrange your furniture, and take down everything that reminds you of your ex. That’s been the single most helpful thing I’ve done (besides all this blogging). I feel like I get to start fresh in my place.

Tomorrow I am working, then seeing a friend and my dog, and then going to dinner with my mom. After that, I’ll keep working on getting my place clean and rearranged. Life feels like it’s doable again.

Bitch cunt slut whore

I called my dad today to talk about J and the cheating. I feel like a broken record repeating over and over what I’m feeling. My friends are sick of hearing about it. Hell, I’m sick of feeling it.

The back story is that J texted me again today. It was the first time in 4 days. Nothing special, just “please talk to me.” I thought about responding but after hours and hours of thinking, I could think of nothing to say back. A girlfriend of mine, one who particularly likes drama, called me yesterday to tell me (even though I told her I didn’t want to know anything about it) that J had posted pictures on facebook of him and his ex drinking a bunch of shots together a week and a half ago when he told me they weren’t hanging out. Then I saw his best friend when I was driving around. All that shit just drags me back in. I think and feel and it sucks. It makes my stomach upset.

When will it stop affecting me? Why does it still hurt so much?

Since my dad is one of the smartest and most insightful people I know, I decided to call him. He told me several extremely important things.

Let yourself feel what you feel. He told me that it’s okay to feel lonely and it’s ok to be sad. He said that, in fact, if I wasn’t lonely living alone after such a heavy painful breakup, he’d be even more worried about me. He suggested I feel the pain, acknowledge the pain, and try my best to move on by spending time with my friends.

Create a mantra. He told me that when my mom left him 15 years ago, he was young (30) and had 3 children under the age of 5. He was devastated and codependent since he had dated her since junior high. He didn’t know how to handle it and couldn’t process the pain all at once. He said that the best thing he did was walk around silently chanting “bitch, cunt, whore, slut” to himself over and over. It allowed him to be angry and block out the debilitating pain until he could fully process it. Anger brings action while depression causes inaction.

Let it be HIS character flaw, not MY insufficiencies. My dad pointed out that the way I’m describing the situation, I’m making it a fault of mine rather than J’s problem. He said that I did nothing wrong. J has cheated before and I shouldn’t be surprised that he cheated on me. He doesn’t lead life honorably and with integrity. I gave him many many chances and that makes me a good person who put my best into the relationship. He chose to cheat and lie repeatedly. That shows he has a big character flaw and reflects very little back on me.

Feel sorry for him. He pointed out that I can be angry or I can pity J. J has told me before that he has never loved or given himself fully to anyone. He has told me he doesn’t believe in love, marriage, or monogamy. He told me that I’m not submissive enough to be his wife. Why does this affect MY self esteem? Rather, I can realize that, as J has told me before, he is not a happy person. He isn’t close with his family (I am), he doesn’t like his job (I do), he doesn’t have close friends (I love mine), and he doesn’t have many life ambitions (mine are HUGE). J realized I’m a catch, and he screwed it up. I should feel sorry for him that he walked away from a great girl, and that his desperate texts show he realizes it.

There was circumstantial stuff against us anyway. I am planning to go to grad school next year. I fell hard for J but I would never change my future for him. Dad pointed out that J may have held back because he knew it probably wouldn’t last more than another year. This seems ridiculous to me—I still gave myself 100%. But J did say over and over that he had issues with the fact that I was going to leave. I should have guessed that might affect his ability to be fully in the relationship.

Daddy tells me that I’m beautiful, smart, funny and lovable. He told me I will find someone else even better than J. He made me feel wonderful and ok. I now realize that all my broad spectrum of feelings are normal. I can feel angry, bitter, sad, euphoric, relieved, or just blah, and it’s all ok. He’s right. We’ll just see where it goes from here.

My dad sure is smart, though.

What happened to dates?

I was thinking about what I’m looking for in the future in guys (good sign, right?), and it occurred to me that not a single guy I’ve dated since C and I broke up has really asked me out in the way you would consider “traditional.” I have not been asked on dates or anything that required wooing or romance. Usually it’s either just hanging out late at night which is expected to turn into sex, hanging out at bars, or getting together in a group.

I started thinking, is this a generational thing or am I just going for the wrong guys? I know my stepmom, who’s using Match.com, goes on dates all the time. There are 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc. dates and they slowly get closer. There’s flowers and dinners and the first kiss. I realized that hasn’t happened to me since high school. Why is this? There are two options I can think of.

Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe my generation (18-25) is not being raised in a dating environment. It’s possible we are shifting into a group dating then fucking norm rather than the courtship-like tradition. I’ve noticed that more guys than ever just wait for the girls to approach them. I’ve gone after or had a friend hook me up with every guy I’ve dated since high school. Are other girls noticing that guys are not approaching women the way they are portrayed by our parents and the movies? I’ve always given out my number and always made sure the guy knew I was interested.

Is it possible we are moving to an attitude that the girls should be assertive and approach the guys first? I am definitely a feminist, hardcore, but this seems stupid to me. From what I’m noticing, it is not transitioning to a level of equality but rather the girls doing the asking and the first moves. It’s funny, but as much as a feminist as I am, I like to be romanced and wooed. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m perfectly willing to romance and woo back. But I like to be asked out. I want to be approached by a good looking guy who seems only interested in me and asks for my number. I dream about these situations.

The other possible option is that I am looking for and finding the wrong types of guys. It seems to me that maybe other girls are getting asked out and wooed, and I’m settling for lazy guys or those who just aren’t that interested at first. Maybe I’m putting myself out there to the wrong types of guys, and they think they don’t even need to work to get it. That’s certainly what J thought. He didn’t even try to be a good boyfriend half the time. On a side note, the more I think about him now, the more I realize just what a shitty boyfriend he was. I still miss the sex and comfort, but screw the rest of it.

I’m just thinking out loud but it just seems like dating in my age group is really fucked up. I don’t like it and I decided tonight that I am not going to settle for someone next time if they do not also put some work into it. I want dates and affection and creativity and love. I want depth and intensity. I want to love deeply and strongly. I will not settle for what J offered me again.

I’ll do it right next time….

How I benefitted…

I think it would help me deal with the cheating if I wrote about how my relationship with J helped me. Even though it didn’t work out, and I’m hurt and angry, I think there are things in this relationship that made the last 9 months not a complete waste.

1. Dating J taught me to lighten up and have a thicker skin. You know the saying that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger? This was definitely our relationship. He thought he could say whatever he wanted, be as hurtful as possible, and that it would be fine the next day. Clearly, I should have asserted myself long before. But I got used to his criticism and anger. I lowered my expectations. You may think this is a bad thing, but I was so hard on C (the guy I dated for 5 years who I’ve written about before). I expected absolute perfection and got really hurt so easily. At least putting up with J’s bullshit and drama taught me to appreciate laid back guys and to treat boyfriends with more respect and leniency.

1. The sex with J was amazing. When things were so bad that I knew we would never last long term, I still wanted to keep him around for the sex. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because it was kinky sex. For the first time ever (C included), I experienced sex with extreme emotion and intimacy attached to it. J and I had intense, passionate sex. It was fast-paced and intimate and sweaty and amazing. I had never experience sex with emotions before. C and I tried to find the emotion but it just never worked. I think I actually fell somewhat in love with J because of the power of our sex. I am really bummed to give it up. But now that he cheated, I know that the amazingness of our sex disappeared. It was addictive and amazing but his infidelity broke the spell. However, I will remember forever that he was the first one I had that kind of sex with. That’s a feeling of gratitude and maybe even longing that won’t go away quickly.

1. J and I were great cuddlers. I took so much comfort from his touch, and I believe I taught him to let go and let loving touch heal his pain. We would crawl into bed and take most of our clothes off and just touch and stroke each other. It’s an amazing feeling to just be…touched. No ulterior motives, no expectations—just touching to make the other person relax and feel good. I crave that so much right now. The hugs I get from my family and cuddling with my cat just doesn’t satisfy my affection quota. It’s something I miss about J but appreciate so much that it happened.

1. Dating J raised my standards. Not in the package deal of the guy I’m going to date next because J ended up being a jerk. But I never looked at myself as very attractive before. I always thought I was just ok. Kinda pretty face, slender body. But J had an amazing body that I loved to touch. I would undress him and just look at him while running my hands all over him. I couldn’t believe I got someone with a body like his because C was a little overweight. But every time he undressed me, J would go on and on about how hot, sexy, and desirable my body is. He said I had the perfect body. I realized that I always assumed there was tier of guys I could just never get, even if I really wanted one. Dating him made me realize that there is no one who is actually not within reach. I’ll raise my expectations next time.

I’m sure there are more things. I may add to this list as time goes on. But I like to read back through this and realize that even though he cheated on me and broke my heart, the relationship was not a complete waste. I learned and I grew in my ability to share myself with another person. I became closer in knowing what I’m looking for in a partner for life. I got over C. There are so many reasons that the last 9 months with J were not a waste.

Rather, they were a life lessons. I will never stay with someone who does not adore me for who I am. And I showed myself that I can be strong. You want to cheat on me? Go ahead. But don’t expect to EVER hear from me again. I respect and love myself too much for that.

Am I doing it right?

I don’t know how to go about doing this.

Simply stated, it’s an easy decision. He cheated, repeatedly. I found out. I kicked him out of my apartment, broke it off with him, and haven’t taken his calls since.

So what’s the problem?

I want to be an adult. He behaved like a child. Or at least an evil adult with no respect for my feelings or my sexual safety. But I don’t want to stoop to his level. Selfishly, I want him to look back and not be able to find fault with me in the breakup. I want him to think: “I fucked up.” Also selfishly, I want him to be upset by the fact that I won’t let him explain or give excuses. I heard, read, and saw enough to just cleanly walk away.

Like I’ve mentioned previously, I haven’t responded to a single text since I kicked him out. That was 6 days ago. The first 5 days (until today) he sent desperate texts everyday begging me to not throw him out of my life, not to stop talking to him. That’s not an option. He does not get the privilege of having me in his life anymore. Period.

What I’m concerned about is how to come out as the bigger person. How do I look back on this experience and be proud of the way I handled it? How can I best ensure that he doesn’t do this to any future girlfriends?

I don’t want to think that I was manipulative in trying to make him keep wanting me, cruel about his feelings, childish, etc. I have said nothing hurtful so far, but then again, I’ve said nothing at all except kick him out, tell him I’m done, and ask him not to try to talk to me. I’m not sure I can say a single word to him beyond that and not open the floodgates of anger, hurt, and betrayal. I don’t want to dump on him. It would do neither of us any good.

The best lesson I can teach him about cheating is that because of his choices, he simply loses me completely from his life. That choice to be intimate with someone else destroyed our chances of dating, being fuck buddies, or even being friends. Those choices he made show how little he cares about me. As Gigi says in He’s Just Not That Into You, if a guy cheats on you “he just doesn’t like you very much.” I don’t need someone like that in my life.

I’m finding not talking to him or seeing him isn’t actually hurting that much. My ego is seriously damaged by the fact that he did passionate things with other girls and everyone knew but me. I am somewhat bothered (and I’m ashamed to even say this) that his not trying to contact me anymore might mean he’s moving on. I am a little lonely and horny. But I definitely don’t miss his drama.

I have some of his stuff. Nothing important, just an undershirt, socks, lighter, etc. Do I drop them off at his house in a box while he’s at work? Do I just hold on to them and see if he even cares? Do I focus on being a big person and handling things responsibly or can I be slightly childish and leave his shit outside his door, including a few of his clothes that I stole to wear and he doesn’t want/expect back, with a note that simply reads, “if you have anything of mine, just toss it.” It’s a combination of me still kinda wanting him to want me and not wanting to see him, talk to him, or have a confrontation with him.

This may not matter.  A big part of me is relieved by the fact that his lack of desperate texts today may just mean that he decided to move on and stop trying. I hate waiting for drama. It makes me anxious. I just want to relax and know it’s completely over. This would be easier if we didn’t live in the same small area.

I don’t know. I just want to handle this so he is left thinking he fucked up his chances with a great girl while I can make peace and be happy. Is that selfish and bitchy? And how do I accomplish that anyway?

The email I won’t send

Dear J,

I feel like I need to respond to your texts somehow, but I really don’t think we have anything left to say to each other. I have no desire to hear your excuses or explanation. It makes no difference to me whether you actually had sex with those girls. I am done.

I should have walked away after you broke up with me half a dozen times over the last several months. I should have walked away when it got really bad and we both knew it just wasn’t working at all anymore. And I should have walked away when you told me you made out with Val. But I didn’t. I loved you and just kept making excuses to myself for you.

Reading those texts finally crossed the line and went too far. Regardless of what you actually did with them, those conversations were completely inappropriate for someone who was supposedly in an exclusive relationship. And more than that, they hurt. Badly. Hearing someone else discuss what they would like to do with you, call you sweetheart and babe, and beg to be with you, and then to realize you kept talking to them….that sucked. Especially since I made it clear I wouldn’t be in your life as long as Val was.

I am still angry, but not like I was. I realize that we are not right for each other. I should have listened when you said it over and over. I should hate you and want you to be miserable and feel pain, but I don’t. Because I cared about you so so much, I just hope that you find someone that makes you happy where I couldn’t. If that’s Val, I’ll be happy for you if it makes you happy.

But I’ll be happy for you from afar because I have no wish for us to be in each other’s life anymore. I am still angry, hurt, and disappointed in you. The combination of everything the last few weeks just ended our chances of being friends. Soon I won’t hold any negative thoughts for you, but I’m pretty sure the no-friends thing is permanent. We had a strong addiction to each other, but that was broken by your choices.

I do want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me that sex can be intimate and loving and passionate. I had never felt that before. I will always be grateful that you were so sweet and loving during and after sex. It made me feel so good and loved. I think since you were the first that made me feel that way, I’ll think about that forever.

I hope you are so successful in whatever you decide to do. I’ll be thinking about you and crossing my fingers for you that you get into grad school.

Take care of yourself. Watch out for girls that will do anything and step on anyone to get you. That isn’t the type of girl I hope you end up with. I want you to be happy so I hope you find someone sweet, loving and with integrity.

Jhawkgrlks

Working Through It

After my last post, in which I talked about J telling me he made out with his ex, a lot has gone on. I am ashamed to say I considered letting him back into my life. I even slept with him. But the other night I found out that there was a lot more going on than he let on.

It would appear that there were other girls, and that more happened with his ex than he let on. I have never been cheated on before and this was a new experience for me. I have to say it sucks. I can’ t describe the feelings that have dominated my mind most of the day every day for the last 5 days since I found out. I’m angry, very very angry. I told him over and over that I required fidelity, and that if he didn’t want me, to just leave me.

He has experience with exes that go crazy when he tries to break up with him. I assured him over and over that that wasn’t me. If he doesn’t want me, there’s the door. Walk out of it. I’ll be sad and mourn you, but I certainly won’t go crazy on you. Instead he chose to pretend he still wanted me in his life while having intimate conversations and sexual encounters with other girls behind my back.

Fuck that.

I have not spoken to him since I found out, and now I am trying to move on. Easier said than done. I’m actually pretty proud of myself. I’m doing pretty well considering a bunch of other crap has happened this week.

Being cheated on is a really really crappy feeling. Why would he do that? Did I not give him tons of great sex? Yes, he said so all the time. So what was he thinking? He has no answer to that question. There is no point in obsessing over it. But a little part of me can’t help it. A little part of me likes the continuing begging texts he has been sending me since I kicked him out of my apartment. I haven’t said one thing to him since I told him I was done crying over him and he could enjoy his group of girls begging to be his girlfriend. He has tons of options, but I’m not one of them anymore.

He risked my health if he did indeed have sex with them while we were still having sex. He came back to my bed after being intimate with someone else. I trusted him and was on great birth control so we didn’t use condoms. Now I have to get tested for STDs.

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually still care about having me in his life. I think it is probably just that he can’t stand the fact that I found out, I kicked him out, and I haven’t talked to him since. He has always dated these submissive pathetic girls who forgave whatever he did and let him back in no matter what. He dumped them and they begged to be taken back. He cheated on them and they let it go. It was always him making all the decisions.

I am not that girl.

I let J get away with a lot of bullshit. He was not a good boyfriend. He was a good fuck, a good cuddler. But he was a shitty boyfriend. I don’t even know why I kept him around for as  long as I did. I did develop feelings for him, that just naturally comes with seeing someone most days of the week and sharing your body with them. And I certainly considered him mine and me his.

I let him back after he broke up with me over and over. I believed it was commitment problems and if I just waited it out, it would be fine.  I was pathetic. I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over again. I gave everything emotionally that I had to give. Everything.

That is probably why I can’t even respond to his constant texts. I have nothing left to say or give to him.

“I don’t know how else to ask for a response, but I’m dying on my side thinking that I’ll never be able to talk to you or have you in my life again…please at least let me talk to you”

If I did respond to that, here is what I would probably send: What is there to say? You chose. And it wasn’t me. I’m sorry that you just realized your actions have consequences. I’m sorry you thought I was a doormat like all your other exes. You crossed the line. Period. Your texts are so selfish. They aren’t apologies for my pain. They are talking about your pain and how you can’t stand not talking to me. Well, tough shit. You didn’t take care of me, you hurt me, and now I am worrying and taking care of me.

But I can’t say that because even after all of this, I still care about him and I still don’t want to hurt him. I can’t make him sad. Plus, he would just offer excuses, and I have no desire for an excuse or explanation. He crossed the line and now he’s out of my life.

I just have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on. Hopefully writing about it will help.

The Cheater part 1

I didn’t take my own advice and leave him. I’ve wondered for 8 months, the entire time we’ve been dating, if this is going to work out. I thought it could if I tried really hard. I loved and didn’t hold back. I forgave his frequent outbursts, breaking up with me over and over again only to take it back a few hours later. I just wanted to make it work.

But he fucked it up badly this time. He hooked up with his exgirlfriend this weekend. I’m devastated–I’ve never been cheated on before. It was only making out, which I know isn’t THAT big of a deal. It’s not like he had sex with someone else. But with this girl, it matters. It’s because it’s her that it went from being not a huge deal to a relationship ending one.

This girl is the only one I’ve ever wondered about. I’m a semi jealous person but I want boyfriends that are friends with their exes. That means that they are mature enough to get through breakups without unnecessary drama. But there was something about his friendship with Val that made me wonder.

Though they had been broken up for several years, she was the last person he slept with before me. That always made me a tiny bit uncomfortable but she lived far enough away it didn’t matter. He rarely saw her. He told me he never talked to her. I believed him because I had no reason not to.

Fast forward 5 months. They started talking some again, which I was fine with. I even said I wanted to meet her. But about a month ago, she started texting a lot. Then one night we were having a conversation about her, and his phone vibrated. It was two o’clock in the morning.

I jokingly said, “Who’s booty calling you this late?” (since we were having a conversation about all the girls who had been texting him)

He said, “It’s probably just my roommate” and handed me the phone without looking at it.

It was her.  And she asked him if he would be her date to a party and called him sexy. Ugh.

I pointed out that this was completely inappropriate and asked him to tell her she couldn’t say that to him. He wouldn’t do it. Said that would be awkward and he would just ignore her but wouln’t be mean to her. I was upset and asked him if he still loved her. He said he still had feelings for her. This screamed something to me but I appreciated honesty because he insisted he still wanted to be dating me. Plus, he never saw her. At this point point he hadn’t seen her since we started dating.

Then two weeks ago he saw her at a graduation party. Then last week I went camping and he went to a party that she happened to be at. When I got back from camping he told me that I would be proud of him because he “was good.” I thought that was weird. Then he went on to say that Val has a new boyfriend so I didn’t have to worry about her.

After he said way to much to reassure me, I felt…something. I knew there was something weird but couldn’t place it. I just felt bad thinking I was being paranoid. But then he wouldn’t have sex with me all week, and we have A LOT of sex. Finally last night he said he wanted to talk.

“Val and I kissed. She kissed me and I kissed back. For about 8 seconds.”  (which is a long fucking ass time if you ask me). I felt something drop from my throat and hit my stomach.

I just stared at him, not believing. Two days before I left for camping he cried on my couch, saying he couldn’t imagine life without me. We had passionate loving sex afterward. Now this? WTF?!

I didn’t cry. I didn’t move. I didn’t even breathe. I just sat there. He said he yelled at her afterward and left the bar. But then I asked him a question that ensured the end of the relationship.

“Since she completely hurt me and disrespected me by making a move on you, is your friendship with her over?”

He looked at me like I was crazy.

“No, she’s my friend, I’m not walking away from that. It would screw up my friend group and I still care about her. I didn’t have to tell you, you know. I could have kept it to myself and everything would be fine.”

I stared at him again. Seriously? He cheated on me but still wants to be friends with her?

“Leave.” That was all I said. He looked at me, completely shocked, then stood up, grabbed his stuff, and walked to the door.

“This is not how this conversation was supposed to go.” Then he slammed my door.

To be continued….